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Conservative Humor
Visit Humorist Scott Ott at: http://www.scrappleface.com
Jokes and Humor:
A Brief History of Republicans and Democrats
History Lesson
Some historians are teaching that history began some 10,000 years ago. Humans
existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on
deer in the mountains during the winter and would go to the coast to live on
fish and lobster in the summer.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and
the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These
were the foundations of modern civilization, and together were the catalyst for
the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while
they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the
Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the
conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing,
fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting
to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine
or imported bottled water. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
fare. Most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their liberal men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, Hollywood actors
and group therapists, are liberals. Liberals don't like the designated hitter
rule because it isn't "fair" to have to pitch to good hitters without having a
break every ninth batter.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their
women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally, anyone who works productively.
Many conservatives own companies and hire other conservatives who want to work
for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and
decide what to do with the production! Liberals are against corporations and
free enterprise. Liberals want to distribute all wealth so that everyone is
equal.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. Most of the
liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They
crept in later after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to
get more for nothing.
Liberals believe that it is offensive to mention "God" in public. They want to
keep all poor people continually dependent on government welfare programs.
Liberals oppose home ownership and the rule of law. Liberals desire to make all
decisions based upon feelings rather than facts.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
Submitted by Mike N.
The sultan and his son.
Once upon a time,
a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after years of hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, "Son, I love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?" His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." His father bought him American Airlines.
Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's yours." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line. Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." His father bought him Disney Studios.
Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will get it for you." His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit." His father bought him the Democratic Party and CBS news.
Submitted by Mike N.
Who is the Moron?
A first grade teacher explained to her class
that she was a democrat. She then asked her students to raise their
hands if they were democrats too. Not really knowing what a democrat
was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into
the air. There was, however, one exception.
A girl named Lucy had
not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked her why she had
decided to be different. Lucy said, "Because I'm not a democrat.''
Then, asked the teacher, "What are you?'' The little girl answered,
"I'm a proud Republican."
Now the teacher, very annoyed, and her
face red with anger, asked Lucy why she was a Republican. "Well,
said Lucy, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying
on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking.
My Dad and Mom are Republicans, and I am a Republican too."
The
teacher, now very angry, loudly said, "That's not a good reason!
What if your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was a moron, What would
you be then?" Lucy thoughtfully paused, and let out a big smile.
"That's easy!," she said, "I'd be a Democrat!." |
The Conservative Republican
